Talking to Myself

Closed eyes reveals myself more than eyes wide open. Adnan Kakazai.


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Amazed I am…by Mansur Hallaj.

Amazed I am on myself and you
The zenith of my desire

You blessed me proximity
Till I thought that “you” are “me”

I lost myself in getting you
Till you made me destroyed in myself

Oh my blessing in my life
And after burrial my relaxation

Without you I have no present
You are the only one in my fear and in my peace

Mansur Hallaj (858 – 922).

(Translation: Adnan Kakazai – errors/ommissions regretted please)


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My thoughts of two scenarios

I was sitting in a coffee shop and watching people coming and going. Everybody seems to be happily coming and chatting, music on, apples and androids, tablets and touch screens and a cheerful environment. There is no such thing as worry/tension/depression which can be seen there and the cash counter busy as usual in taking money nonstop from the customers.

Considering that the Coffee shop is in a posh location, so anybody coming here is not a poor person in every respect and for them money spent on a coffee cup is just peanuts, may be even they can give ten time more here without noticing anything and without any effect on their pockets.

I was questioning to myself that is this is what life is. Is this is the life that you sit in a posh restaurant and enjoy the time, spend money. Yes for some this is life. They don’t know the word hardship in their lives and the punitive realities of life. The teenagers coming here with their friend have no idea at all what there parents have done to earn the money, their hardship if any, at least they are not aware of those. For them money is a piece of paper which is to be spent and that is all, no matter from where it is coming.

After drinking my coffee cup, I decided to leave with a heavy mind constantly thinking of the atmosphere which I just saw. I went to buy the bread for the dinner. I saw a man there sitting beside a scorching oven (we call it tandoor in Urdu language) with cloths wet in sweat, an empty cup of tea near him, making bread (rotti) and doing it nonstop.

Tandoor

There were good number of people waiting for the bread so he was constantly busy in making bread and in every minute or so his hand went to the oven with his face near to the oven to bring out bread. There was a fan functioning for the sake of providing decent air but with constant breakdown in the power it was as good as nothing. This is the continuous routine of this man who starts his work well before the breakfast, lunch and dinner time and in summer when the temperature in our part of the world reaches more than 42’C this is indeed a place not be working more than a minute.

As I was watching him, the atmosphere of a coffee shop flashed in my mind, and the difference of two worlds was in front of me. This person making bread has no idea or maybe he has not even drink a cup of coffee throughout his entire life but he do remember that he has to earn money to feed his kids, to cater for their schooling if he can and God knows what. For him life is a continuous struggle, and there are no favorable conditions in front. With recession on the rise and poor getting more poorer while the richer getting more richer, there is no relief for such persons who worked their sweat out to earn an honest living for themselves and their families.

Yes for some people, life is a bed of rose and for some a continuous struggle. Analyzing the two conditions although happiness and no worries can be seen in the coffee shop but I do wonder that may be this person making bread is calmer, more relax than those at the coffee shop. May be he is earning less but he does not have to take a medicine to sleep, may be what he is earning he is at least feeling a proudness in it, maybe there are no such health problems with him or he may not be even aware of those, may be one of his children can earn him a name in this world by doing something extraordinary which money cannot buy. May be, May be…or maybe not. With this may be and may be not I came back home and wishing that all those persons who make their lives worth living from nowhere have courage and a will to withstand pitiless and harsh destitutions of the life.


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Be Destined

My Destiny
Is neither
A friend
Nor
A foe

My Destiny
Is neither
Following
A direction
Nor
A path

My Destiny
Is neither
Shining
Nor
Dull

My Destiny
Is neither
Waiting
Nor
In a hurry

I ask from
My Destiny
What you
Want from me?
Replied promptly
“Be Destined”
Don’t wait for me
To do the
Magic


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I am your…

I reside inside you
Since your creation
I always keep myself
In your existence
As much as possible

I play with you
I observe you
I test you
I feel you

Sometimes
I let you

Loose
And sometime
I let you
Control
Yourself

But sometime
It is not in my powers
To control you
You become more
Stronger than me

You let me
Excrete out from you
And I leave
As an unfaithful friend
From your eyes
Making them
Shining

And wet

Yes
I am your
Tear


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When I said, I am not with you

   

Drained and depleted
exhausted and void of energy
no comfort, no lessening
of fear and uncertainty
pain becoming painless
tough times ahead
testing and examining
showing unfaithfulness

Lying and thinking
What will happen?

Suddenly felt
warm air around my ear
hairs moving back of the ears
coming closer and closer
feeling the warmth

And I knew
You whispering
saying
When I said I am
Not with you

My eyes closed slowly
I slept
with your warmness of breath
Your whispering
on my ears and shoulders


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Visit to a Pure Place

As I entered, a gush of fragrance
Accompanied me for some seconds
Of my life at that time

Eyes opening with burst of energy
Blood flowing vigorously, veins dilating
Body becoming warm and
Breathing become meaningless

Feeling the losing of senses
Curiosity occupying the eagerness of the soul
And fear vanishing from my inner core

Moments of silence as just standing
And seeing the visible
Knowing that the visible is not
Compatible with the invisible

Felt like a smallest ever entity
In a multifaceted universe of wisdom
Then sitting beside a pillar and
Tried to loose myself completely
But losing don’t come that easy
Knew in a moment

Tears flushing
The pollution of the eyes
Mind, heart and soul
Weeping, Weeping and Weeping

Trying to accept
The wisdom and love in the air
But who am I to accept such privilege
I don’t deserve that
Then reading
“You will know how help is given
Just ask with a palpitation, pulsation – O Lord”

Left by saying to myself
This is not the only visit we have embarked
We must have to come here
Again and again